Wit and Wisdom Unleashed

Frequently Asked Questions (by people I’d rather not talk to)

Q: What is your therapeutic philosophy?

Gary: I subscribe to the "Stop It" school of thought. If you’re doing something stupid and it makes you miserable, stop doing it. I don't need a three-year plan to tell you that your bangs were a mistake and your personality is a cry for help. It's a bit of bald guy humor, really.

Q: Do you offer a "safe space" for sharing?

Gary: My office is physically safe in that it meets local building codes. Emotionally? Not so much. If you want a "safe space," go hide under a weighted blanket. If you want to know why your coworkers mute you on Zoom, come on in for some snarky insight.

Q: What are your credentials?

Gary: I have a degree in "Common Sense" and a minor in "Looking at You Until You Feel Uncomfortable." I’ve also successfully avoided being sued for three consecutive years. That’s more than most of your exes can say for their life choices. Just call it snarky wisdom.

Q: Do you accept insurance?

Gary: No. Most insurance companies don't cover "Extreme Truth-Telling" or "Sarcastic Life Audits." I accept cash, credit, or high-end scotch. You know, the essentials for a snarky bald white guy.

Q: Can I bring my emotional support animal?

Gary: Only if the animal is more interesting than you are. If it’s a golden retriever that just sits there reflecting your own desperation, leave it in the car. Seriously, bring the wit and wisdom, not just a fluffball.

Q: How long does a typical session last?

Gary: Fifty minutes, or until I run out of ways to describe your mediocrity—whichever comes first. Usually, we’re done in twenty. Efficiency is part of my snarky charm.

Q: Will you tell me that everything is going to be okay?

Gary: Statistically speaking, probably not. But we can work together to make sure that when things inevitably fall apart, you at least look like you expected it. That's the spirit of bald guy humor for you.

Q: Why are you so mean?

Gary: I’m not mean; I’m "efficiently honest." You’ve spent thirty years paying people to lie to you. I’m just balancing the scales. Think of me as a human cold-plunge for your ego, layered with snarky humor.

Q: Do you do couples counseling?

Gary: Only if both of you are prepared to admit that the other person is right about 90% of your flaws. Warning: I usually pick a favorite within the first five minutes, and it's rarely the one with the best excuses.

Q: What if I start crying?

Gary: I have a box of tissues, but they are sandpaper-grade. It encourages you to wrap it up and get back to the point. No time for tears in this snarky atmosphere.

Q: Can I book a follow-up session?

Gary: If you haven’t blocked my number by the end of the first hour, sure. But don't expect a holiday card. This is a snarky bald white guy’s therapy, after all.

The "Service" Menu

Because let’s face it, you aren't going to fix yourself. And who better to guide you than a snarky bald white guy with a knack for humor?

1. The "Reality Slap" (15 Minutes)

Price: $75

Ideal for: People who need a quick confirmation that their "big idea" is actually a disaster.

What you get: Gary, the epitome of bald guy humor, listens for 2 minutes, sighs deeply for 1, and spends the remaining 12 explaining why your plan has the structural integrity of a wet napkin. 

Bonus: A digital transcript of your worst idea highlighted in red.

2. The "Basic Bruising" (45 Minutes)

Price: $150

Ideal for: The chronically confused who wonder why they are "unlucky in love/career/life."

What you get: A full audit of your personality flaws. Gary will use a whiteboard to map out exactly how your decisions led to this moment, delivering his snarky wit and wisdom along the way. 

Bonus: One (1) piece of sandpaper-grade tissue for any "leaking emotions."

3. The "Total Ego Annihilation" (90 Minutes)

Price: $350

Ideal for: Narcissists, people with unearned confidence, or those who think they are "the main character."

What you get: Gary dismantles your entire identity brick by brick. By the end, you won't just doubt your life choices; you'll doubt your choice of socks, all delivered with that signature snarky humor. 

Bonus: A 5-minute head start to leave the building before he starts laughing.

4. The "Relationship Autopsy" (Couples)

Price: $500 (per couple)

Ideal for: Couples who want a third party to confirm who is actually the "problem."

What you get: Gary plays referee in a match where nobody wins. He will identify which one of you is the "drain" and which one is the "clog," using his snarky bald guy humor to lighten the mood. 

Warning: Gary often suggests the couple break up just so he can go home early.

5. The "Professional Pivot" (Career)

Price: $200

Ideal for: People who think they are "overqualified" for their entry-level jobs.

What you get: A line-by-line roast of your resume. Gary will tell you what your LinkedIn profile actually says to recruiters (spoiler: it says "unfocused and desperate"). Bonus: He will rename your "Special Skills" section to "Hobbies That Don't Pay the Bills," all while delivering his signature snarky humor.

Add-On Services

The "I Told You So" Email: For an extra $50, Gary will send you a follow-up email three months later when your bad idea inevitably fails, complete with snarky commentary.

The Silent Session: $100. Gary just stares at you while you talk. He won't say a word, but his facial expressions will hurt more than any sentence could, showcasing his unique blend of wit and wisdom.

This document is legally binding, though Gary, the snarky bald white guy, would prefer if you didn't read it—mostly because he finds the sound of paper rustling "spiritually draining."

Waiver of Sensitivity & Ego Indemnification

Client Name: __________________________

Level of Delusion (1–10): __________

1. Acknowledgement of "The Gary Method"

I, the undersigned victim—I mean, client—understand that Gary does not use "active listening," "unconditional positive regard," or "empathy." I acknowledge that Gary’s primary therapeutic tool is a sharpened wit and snarky humor used to deflate my overinflated sense of self-importance.

2. Assumption of Emotional Risk

I am aware that during the session, Gary may:

- Refer to my life goals as "cute fan fiction."

- Mute me on the call to finish his Wordle.

- Ask me to "elaborate on why I think anyone cares." I voluntarily assume all risks of hurt feelings, crushed dreams, and the sudden urge to move to a cabin where nobody knows my name.

3. No-Crying Policy

I agree that if I begin to "leak from the eyes," I will do so quietly and efficiently. I understand that Gary’s office is a "No-Snot Zone." Should I become inconsolable, Gary reserves the right to play loud circus music until I regain my composure.

4. Release of Liability

I hereby release Gary from any liability regarding:

- Breakups caused by Gary pointing out my partner is "clearly a five masquerading as an eight."

- Resignations spurred by Gary noting that my career path is "downwardly mobile."

- The realization that I am not, in fact, the "main character" of the universe.

5. Financial Irresponsibility

I agree to pay the full fee regardless of whether I leave the session feeling "better." I acknowledge that "feeling worse" is often a sign the treatment is working. Gary does not offer refunds for "emotional boo-boos."

6. Confidentiality (One-Way)

Gary will keep my secrets, mostly because they are too boring to repeat. However, I agree not to post "call-out" threads on social media, as Gary’s legal team consists of a very mean Chihuahua and a stack of cease-and-desist templates.

Signature: __________________________

Date: __________________________

(By signing, you admit that Gary is right. About everything.)